It’s nearly been a year since I moved to Toronto and there is not one day I don’t wonder why the hell I wasn’t born here. I’m not really sure if it’s that well-known feeling of ” I am finally flying away from home” (quite literally in my case) or the growing old kicking in but it’s by far the best decision I have ever taken in my life.
Everyday, it challenges me to feel outside of the box (YES FEEL, not think). Europe makes you feel so disoriented with what you want to do and the kind of person you want to be. It’s always black or white: Consulting or Marketing, Size 36 or size 44, a fuck girl or a very serious relationship gal. No middles, no shades of grey, just a tiny window that pressures you to go towards a very specific direction in order to be considered successful, pretty and smart.
Fuck that.
Since I “runaway” from home, there have been so many things that have changed in my life. It’s like it made me consider the thousand other directions I wasn’t aware of because I was trapped in that feeling box. Besides solving existential career issues and understand that I can perfectly work corporate like I am supposed to but also work in Fashion through PersianBrunette like I want to, it also made me feel so much better in my own skin.
See. Europe is bullshit when it comes to body acceptance: what is considered beautiful is skinny and the extra booty isn’t appreciated. I can’t count the countless times I have heard: you would be so hot if you had smaller that or smaller this. And that made me fucking struggle for years by eating less, working out almost everyday and getting trapped in unhappy thoughts. I struggled because it felt like being beautiful was always a work in progress, something that could never be achieved: go to the gym, eat healthy, go to the gym, eat healthy. Repeat.
Then there is just something about Toronto: people run wild free. Dancing in the streets like nothing matters, dressing up without holding back and owning their own bodies more than any girl I have ever seen in Barcelona. All that because well, you are who you are and you might just make a statement with what you have instead of desperately craving what you don’t have. You have a booty, you are hot girl. You have no Booty, you are just as hot girl. It made me understand what kind of person I want to be: I don’t want to feel bad because I am not considered pretty, I don’t want to be what people call goals, I don’t want to hide my sensuality because standards make me ashamed of my own skin, I don’t want my looks to define how I feel as a person at any moment.
I want to walk like the world is mine, I want to be the woman that achieves whatever the hell she purposes herself to, I want to fully own my body and mind without any society, person or city convincing me of the contrary. I want to wear that dress with heels and a hat and to be the badass boss lady I know I can be. And I won’t be able to be that person as long as I let all types of barriers infatuate my mind, feeling outside the box is all about focusing on the right things. What about brains? What about personality? What about drive? These to me are sexier assets than looks. That also made Blogging also a thousand times easier. From the outside it looks all perfect but trust me when I say It’s a tough world, mainly based on looks, that can absolutely lead you to a self-worth inner battle.But It is not about being perfect, I will leave that to Gigi Hadid, it’s about real people engaging a conversation, sharing a huge part of who they are to the world. And my world? You all know it’s beautifully imperfect in many ways. I am never going to be the kind of blogger that strives for perfection or to pretend she is perfect to make you believe that it is what you need to be in order to be happy.
But I will be the one to tell you to grow the balls to take your own direction and to forget anything else to feel powerful, beautiful and successful in your own terms. Beauty is achievable by accepting reality because real? Real is flawed but flawed is magic.
Lots of love always,
Neguine
WHAT I’M WEARING TODAY: ZARA pajama shirt // WOLFORD dress // ZARA pumps // ARITZIA hat // SAINT LAURENT bag
All pictures by Darius Boustantchi
Barcelona crushes confidence, it surrenders people who aren’t 100% from here into quivering clouds of self-consciousness. You did so well in escaping and in the same way you wonder why you weren’t born in Toronto, I wonder why on earth I moved to Barcelona. I have never been so disappointed with a city as I am with the one I call home right now, but until my exit, I’ll simply salute you from the shit show over here in escaping and finding a place you truly love.
I think you texted me a few times too but I’ve been watching Black Mirror and have since resolved to look at my phone for work only because my phone makes me sad.
xxxx
Oh you babe! I really loved this post and it’s really made me want to come visit you in Toronto. It seems so different than Vancouver, over here there’s a strict uniform and if you don’t wear it you get dirty looks and you know people are talking about you. Whenever I visit my sister in France it always seems to me that over there people are so more carefree and less judgmental (or just a lot better at hiding it). Anyway, I’m glad you love Toronto so much! xx
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Come and visit mee pleaaaaase!!!!!! You do you my babe!!!! You are perfect like that and I wouldn’t want you any other way ❤️ i think it’s all abt flying away from home, because you are not used to the new types of reaction you encountrr. Home is home,its a box we always get trapped in. It’s all in our heads at the end of the day <3