I am curvy. ( & The best pair of Jeans for curvy girls )

Newsflash. I got a big ass. Way to start a post. I know. I figured that if I am actually going to talk about my body, might as well do it figuratively at last. I got a big ass, a 90 triple D bra size, no abs, a size 40 in jeans and sometimes a Large in whatever I try on. So measurement talking, I am a curvy girl. That’s something I never wanted to immortalized on here, probably the same way as I have been running away from weight scales for years now, almost like talking about it would mean that it is a permanent situation. That all I will ever be, is curvy. Almost as if avoiding the topic gave me the space to magically alter curves that were always meant to follow the same direction. So I will say it, I never truly felt like I “own” my body. I own my mind, I own my ideas, I own my feelings, I own my opinions. All of which are so aligned to who I am that it feels right to expose them the way I do. My body and I on the other hand, are not even close to that point of alignment. For the longest time, it was all a desperate chase. Chasing poses, chasing bodies, chasing outfits that looked so cool on other people but would never fit my own persona. I think it all started in high school, in between skinny AF role models and bullies whose hobby went from calling people fat back then to celebrating “thick” today. There was no such thing as being comfortable and unapologetic about your own body. No feeling other than constant shame and hectic chase to crazy ideals. And in some ways, we are still stuck in the same spiral today. This is something we all do really. As inclusive as the fashion industry is slowly growing to be, it is still terrified of different curves. We are still terrified of different curves. Us curvier bloggers almost never talk about it, what does it really feel to blog in an industry where it is almost impossible not to compare yourself to someone that even has the same as you, but that is all you will never ever be. The context might have changed a little bit, there are cute Pinterest quotes about loving your body and accepting yourself, we applaud the fact that Rihanna is bold enough to go all the way Thickanna, we stick to the fact that individuality is what wins today. But does it really? Because we still tag everything, we still get shocked by the boldness of the ones that decide to challenge the status quo. That’s a thing that I realized while watching “Girls” in which Lena Dunham, who’s far from being the industry’s beauty standard, exposes her body naked in every single episode. Not going to lie, her nakedness shocked me at first because it is not something I am exposed to every day. If individuality is really the winner, why the hell am I not exposed to real bodies every day? Why the hell do I get shocked or uncomfortable when a woman other than “goals” exposes herself naked/having awkward sex on screen? After binging 4 seasons of “girls”, I couldn’t get enough. The more I watched the more I envied the easiness she portrayed on screen. Because I never had that. That freedom and full ownership over my body, if not in my best Zara attire let alone naked. It made me question myself thoroughly, if a woman like Lena would have been my role model at 14, where would my own relationship with my body stand right now? Would I have any hyped up expectation? Would I have spent my twenties embracing the realness of concepts like bodies, relationships and sex instead of romanticizing them? Would I even tag myself as “curvy”? No. Probably not. It wouldn’t matter as much. I would probably not have tried to fit in so hard in tags that clearly never corresponded me because the concept of difference wouldn’t have mattered that much. Yet here I am, time as the best teacher, making me understand that the diversity surrounding bodies is not as broad as I thought it was. That the only categorization that matters is whether or not you decide to accept your own skin. And once you know that, it’s almost like you have been given the map to treasure island. It becomes easier. It becomes better. You stop feeling guilty. You stop feeling envious. You stop trying to pretend that what everybody else sees, isn’t you. The world is not against you, you were against the world. You eat the damn croissant because it is one of the biggest pleasures in life. You will look like you had eaten it even if you didn’t, but that becomes cool. So many things change and your body starts feeling like home instead of that temporary crappy apartment you can’t wait to get out of.