You guys, it’s the month of love and I’m gonna be honest, I’ve gone full on soft. Eye Roll, I know. There are a few things piling up on my bedside table including statcks of romance novels, my 50 shades of Grey movie ticket and random thoughts hitting paper right before bed. For some reason, I found myself lost in slight moments where my eyes take a life of their own and start watering without me having a say in it. I shamefully kept it all silent because damn it, when did I become so sensitive? Like when McDreamy dies in Grey’s Anatomy, the present that Portia got Ellen for her 60th birthday, Kylie Jenner giving birth at 20. Little things I would have never cared about, that used to be so insignificant I would have rolled my eyes so high the gods would tell me to chill. I wish the explanation to this sudden softness is that I am totally in need of love. That would be an easy matter to deal with. Serial Right Swiping and a couple of dates. Problem solved. But it’s not because I want things to happen, it’s not because I miss them to happen, it’s not because I am craving a new “you” to cry to. I’ve gone soft because I am absolutely not in need of love, because I am okay with not craving the sense of belonging unconditionally to someone else. I know it makes zero sense, but honestly, when did I ever made sense when it comes to love? I feel like I have spent so long wanting to call someone else “mine” that I patiently sat in a corner waiting for the wrong guys to show up. In love, I was literally a Cinderella or a Sleeping Beauty but when it came to everything else in my life, I grew to be what is still considered to be the villain in today’s world. Wanting to leave my name out there, wanting to be someone independently of who shares my bed, wanting to do a thousand different things for myself, to be someone whose main ambition is other than falling in love. I chuckle now because after years trying to write the classic happy ending, I spent years unconscious of the fact that I deserved a story in which being happy isn’t related to finding my soulmate. So for the past few months, it’s been only me. Emotionally unattached. Not depending on anyone’s love or their perception of me. Feeling that love is not a synonym of dependability but of empowerment. Scared to realize that I don’t need it. Crying because I don’t need it. Terrified of the eventuality that extraordinary love might only happen once. That I missed that one shot. Or dodged a bullet. Wishing I was different. That I could foolishly fall in love repeatedly. To get carried through life naively. Then realizing that it is okay. Finally knowing what I deserve. Allowing myself to strive for the best. Not waiting for it or crying because it is not coming. Never Settling. And ultimately, with or without “you”, being mine and mine only.
Neg!! my love!!
These photos are aaaaaamazing!
you look so happy and beautiful!
This outfit is amaaazing! The skirt and boots are perfect. And props to you. It’s cheesy but it’s true that you can’t love someone without loving yourself first, whenever that person comes along 🙂 definitely don’t settle!
xx
“I’ve gone soft because I am absolutely not in need of love, because I am okay with not craving the sense of belonging unconditionally to someone else.” Yes. Yes. Yes. This is EXACTLY how I’ve grown to feel over the last couple of months. This is such a beautiful post regarding, as you’ve called it the month of love; I’m only sorry to have only just read it! Growing up, being so innocent and blind to the hurt and realities of love, meant – as I’m sure it did to others too – I was always giddy at the idea of a simple, but tingling kiss with someone, the simple declaration “I love you” was enough to make me feel fairytales in some way are real; somehow nowadays, I’ve managed to become the Grinch of love, only now do I feel I’m getting the innocence of it back. I’m now, like yourself, not in need of it and bloody happy being alone, but also feeling good alone. Never settle, just dance in the magic of it all and let experience bloom.
As always, I love love love love love your writing.
You look beautiful in these shots and I have a crush on that skirt babe.
xx
One of the best honest talks from you! Love love love you my sis for being so open hearted, real, honest, brave and more.
Everything you said here makes perfect sense to me. The most important thing is to really love yourself and feel good about how you are.
Thanks for always being so inspirational! <3